Getting older sucks! Please, don’t get me wrong, it’s great because it teaches you lessons of life. You know, like what really matters the most and stuff. But it’s just too much heart for me some times. It’s wonderful; it’s great getting older but oh man, it sucks bananas all at the same time!
For sometime now I’ve been feeling somewhat misplaced. Like I had no direction in life. Well, not necessarily direction but more like I didn’t have a clear vision of what I wanted to do with my life. And in that process I have never felt more hopeless, alone, and less motivated than I ever have in my life.
This feeling started when it seemed as if everything I wanted to do, pushed for, prayed for, cried for etc. wasn’t manifesting. It felt as though whatever I did didn’t work out in every possible way; that I was just, spinning wheels, running on a treadmill getting nowhere. It felt as though all roads were blocked and I had nowhere else to go. Needless to say that I felt like less than enough is an understatement. I felt like a failure; I felt like a loser. I had reached an all time low – the bottom of the pit. No money, less food, depression, my anxiety at an all time high...well...you kinda get the picture. And then I began to play the comparison game (bad, bad, very bad idea!) That only got me feeling as though all my friends were on point, on top of their game, and I was way below the mark. And all the other voices from outside weren’t doing me any favours.
Although that was a rough patch I had to go through in my life (and honestly, I think that everybody else in life goes through it at some point). I now realise ukuthi it was very necessary. Why? Well, it is said that there are three major life altering ‘moments’ that result in trauma (I note that almost sarcastically because those moments seem to last for quiet a long time). They are as follows:
Loss of a loved one
Being retrenched from work.
All of these experiences are traumatic. They can send anyone into depression. And I felt as though I was going through all of them all at ones. I never dealt with my mother's death and it felt like at this moment I was forced to. I had not only moved house but I moved to a different city and I had resigned from my job. No job, a foreign land, and a loss that cut at my heart strings. I had never felt so alone.
You see, the thing about experience and growth is that it requires you to get out of your comfort zone. To deal with things you thought you had buried so deep and to find yourself in places you never imaged existed. In order to be the ideal version of who you want to be you have to shed off who u are. You cannot have and be in the newness of life if you are still holding on to the old stuff. You have to let go. You have to shed it all off. And that requires you have to allow yourself to feel and grieve the old self in order for the new self to take residence.